


nobody feels like you

by angstonly, angstroyalty



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, Closure, Exes, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, got7 cameos lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26189056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly, https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstroyalty/pseuds/angstroyalty
Summary: Jisung is looking at him, staring so intently that Seungmin can only frown in response. This is the first interaction they've had in a long time, and he doesn't understand. What the fuck is that look supposed to mean?Jisung avoids Seungmin like the plague, rejects any opportunity that would so much as put them in the same room together. Now this—a song they don't meet for until this very day, and he has that glint in his eyes that Seungmin knows means he has so much he wants to say.What the fuck.(or: seungmin and jisung reunite for a mv shoot for their collab months after their breakup)
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 66





	1. i loved you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [halfmoonjisung](https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfmoonjisung/gifts).



> my first published skz fic after deciding to write for skz months ago :0 this was spurred on by the seungsung cover and somehow spiraled into something a lot more than originally planned. i hope you enjoy!
> 
> for my darling ellie for letting me scream to her about it as i was writing and for being the reason i got into seungsung in the first place. ♡ love u !!
> 
> unbeta'd.

Part of him thinks this is one cruel joke, a tasteless prank by the company. Or perhaps it's an overdue punishment for having fallen in love in the first place. They warned him— _don't do it, seungmin. it will hurt you_ , they said. He ignored them, believed in a new love and a beautiful man, only for everything to fall apart.

"This can't be real," mutters seungmin as he sees the email from the director about their meeting. "Hyung, this isn't real. Please tell me this isn't real."

His manager looks at him from the rearview mirror, an apologetic smile tugged at his lips. "Sorry, min. I tried to fight it, but they really think it would be good for you two."

"Fucking hell," he mutters under his breath, reading and re-reading that email as if it would magically change if he wished and stared long enough. But no, life is too wonderful for that. He could stare at it until his eyes popped out and it would still say the beautiful words: _Collaboration between Kim Seungmin and HAN_.

He contemplates scrolling down his contacts to find the aptly named X _DO NOT CALL X_ to ask if he knew this was going to happen, but he fights the thought of it after Jisung's face makes its way into his thoughts and Seungmin feels like throwing up. Jumping out of the car seems a more ideal course of action, but the van has sliding doors and it takes too much effort to open them.

"Jinyoung hyung," Seungmin calls out. Jinyoung looks at him from the mirror again, smiling warmly. Seungmin feels like crying. "He's not going to be _at_ this meeting, is he?"

"Nope, no meetings with him," answers Jinyoung. It's reassuring. Kind of. "I think everything is already set between our director and his. You won't see each other until recording, I think. Will you be okay?"

Seungmin scoffs. "Will I be okay? _Will I be okay?_ I have a collaboration with my fucking ex and you're asking me if I'll be okay?"

Jinyoung grimaces, knowing what it's like to be forced into situations with people he'd rather not have to deal with ever again. To call it unpleasant is a gross underestimation of the feeling of dread and death that overwhelms you. He sympathizes, offering a look that speaks his heart that Seungmin acknowledges with a sigh.

"Shoot me," Seungmin says plainly, gazing out the window.

Jinyoung plays Day6's song in response.

☾

"And that's—that's when, you know, t-the thing," Hyunjin stutters, hiccups as he pours himself another shot. It spills onto the table, but Seungmin is just as drunk as him—much too drunk to care for the mess. "God, I fucking—" another hiccup. "—fucking hate him! I hate him!"

Seungmin snorts, ignoring the haze clouding his mind as he drinks directly from the bottle of tequila Hyunjin brought. _Drink the frustrations away_ , he says. Release it all so that Seungmin doesn't accidentally murder Jisung when their impending meeting comes. Seungmin scoffs at the idea—he doesn't want to _murder_ Jisung. Not at all.

"You hate him more than I do," Seungmin slurs, adjusting himself on the floor, back against the couch. "Thank you."

"You're too nice!" Hyunjin scolds, glaring at him before taking the shot. He shudders as soon as he drinks, setting the glass back on the table with a loud clink. He chases the alcohol with a large gulp of Coke, passing it to Seungmin to use for his own shot. "Fuck him, honestly. Not, like—not literally! You're not—no dick! I mean, yes dick, j-just not Han's."

"God, please stop," Seungmin winces as he takes the drink, more careful with how he sets everything back on the table. He's lenient on Hyunjin's drunk mess, but even intoxicated he'd prefer to keep himself orderly—as much as his altered state would allow him. "None of that. Never again. Nope. Never. No. It's not going to happen ever again. Never. Just no."

"Sounds like denial to me." Hyunjin cackles, slapping his thigh. "Really, Min, you—here's the thing. You just—I think you need to be angrier! Be enraged! This asshole hurt you! He didn't even wait two months before having a new man, like? Are you a joke to him?! God, I'll— _I'm_ gonna— I'm going to fucking kill him! Off with his head!"

The night passes with more alcohol, more hilarious rage from Hyunjin as he goes off on tangents that still somehow end up on ways to make Jisung suffer. His best friend's drunken words make him feel warmer than the alcohol, somewhat emotional over the fact that Hyunjin cares so much for him. As violent as his suggestions may be sometimes, the mere fact that he's angry on his behalf is something he deeply cherishes.

As he gazes at sleeping Hyunjin on the couch, Seungmin's thoughts drift and he finds himself thinking of the boy whose very existence fills him with both dread and unfortunate longing—something he wishes he could blame solely on the poison that runs through his veins.

In truth, such feelings haunt him even in complete sobriety, a heartache that weighs against his chest even in waking hours when he least expects it. They're reminders, he supposes, that his heart is still fractured, still crying out for a boy of broken promises.

He looks at his phone in his hands, the temptation strong.

Alcohol urges him to give in, to try like the pathetic little thing he truly is no matter how much he'd like to say he has moved on, but Jisung has long since stopped answering his calls.

He laughs as he taps on a button, watching and watching and watching with a smile on his face. Jisung doesn't answer, and Seungmin laughs at his shattered pride as if he still had any to begin with.

☾

"I have good news for you, Min!" Jinyoung greets him the next day with coffee and a croissant. Seungmin grimaces as sunlight hits his face, and he quickly puts his sunglasses on before sipping on the bitter elixir that gives him some form of life. "Oh shit, rough night?"

"Drinks with Hyunjin." Jinyoung nods, fully understanding. Once upon a time, Jinyoung, too, would accompany Seungmin and Hyunjin on their emotional drunken escapades. Now, Jinyoung is more often there for the mornings after. "He's still passed out on my couch hugging an empty bottle of tequila. He's likely going to sleep his day away."

"The usual." Jinyoung shrugs, guiding Seungmin into their car. "But anyway! I managed to convince the producers to let you and Han record separately so you don't have to see each other at all."

Seungmin hums, focusing on his croissant.

"Okay, you sound a little disappointed," Jinyoung points out with a raised eyebrow. "Did you _want_ to record together?"

Seungmin keeps his gaze fixed to the view outside of his window. "Do I?" he asks quietly, ignoring the pounding against his temples. "I don't know. It's weird. I wanted to throw up when I first saw the email, but after Hyunjin's tirade against Jisung last night, it—I don't know. It's complicated. I don't know how I feel anymore."

Has Seungmin ever really known how he feels to begin with, though? It seems like his emotions constantly go back and forth, sliding constantly between anger and yearning and everything in between. It's infuriating, like his heart can't make its mind up about who Jisung is to him now.

"I tried calling again," Seungmin admits out loud. Jinyoung offers him a sympathetic smile. "I just love setting myself up, don't I?"

"It happens," Jinyoung says, a chorus of sighs echoing in their car. "I've had my fair share of drunk calls I wish I never made."

"Oh God," Seungmin exclaims. "Remember when you cried because we took your phone away after you kept trying to call Jackson hyung?"

"Please don't remind me." Jinyoung grimaces, and Seungmin finds himself chuckling at the memory. It's funny when he thinks about it—bonds forged due to simultaneous heartbreak, fostered by drinks to drown their sorrows.

"I'm lucky, I guess," Seungmin says. "Jisung never picks up. I need to stop."

"Delete his phone number. Block it. You have no use for it; it's just taking up space."

"I kind of _do_ need it right now," Seungmin sighs, wistful as he stares out the window. The city is as busy as it always is, alive with the hustle and bustle of Saturday mornings. "If we're collaborating on a song, I need a way to get in touch with him."

"I would say you can converse through me and his manager, but I know how much you like to be in control of your music," Jinyoung hums. "Han is just as meticulous if I remember correctly."

"He is," Seungmin confirms. "He's very hands-on with his music, so there's a higher likelihood of us speaking again. Unless he's avoiding me enough that he'd leave everything up to the producers."

"Do you think he is?"

Seungmin sighs once more, thoughts drifting as he stares at his coffee. "I don't know," he says with a sad smile. "I think so. Jisung is a coward."

☾

Kim Seungmin is always right. As much as he loves always being right, sometimes it leads to feelings he would much rather not feel.

Like right now as he sits in his bed, staring at the email the producers send him with the file of the final song. He expected it, predicted it even—that Jisung would forego speaking with him in favor of hiding with his tail still tucked between his legs. Seungmin is right—Jisung is a coward.

But _fuck_ does he wish he were wrong.

"I'm really going to fucking kill him," Hyunjin says, waving his stick of Pepero around like a weapon. He thrusts it forward, stabbing the air with a glower. Seungmin assumes he's imagining Jisung. "Really, if he ever so much as breathes the same air as me, I'm going to—"

"—stab him with a Pepero stick?" Seungmin interrupts, raising an eyebrow. "I appreciate the thought, Jin, really, but I don't think killing Jisung will bring me any sort of comfort."

"I'm just angry! You ought to be too." Hyunjin takes a dramatic bite out of his snack, pointing at Seungmin with what's left of it. " _He_ asked for a break. _He_ started dating someone not even two months into it. _He_ was the one who didn't even bother letting you know or apologizing. He just completely disappeared! He can't even face you! Not even for this—for a song you _both_ sing in."

Seungmin grimaces, the truth in Hyunjin's harangue a poignant reminder of what he's lost and the heartbreak he still nurses. He sighs, tilts his head back until it hits the headboard, staring up at the off-white ceiling. Hyunjin stops mid-sentence and jumps into bed beside him, setting Seungmin's laptop aside and throwing his limbs over him.

He appreciates it. Seungmin doesn't know where he would be or what he would do without Hyunjin's unwavering friendship. From the very beginning, it's always been the two of them—each other's pillar almost from the moment they met. It doesn't seem like that to most, they know. Public scrutiny haunts them, assuming things about them that they can only laugh at. Superficial is how they're oft described—forced to be friends by the industry, by the companies that control their lives.

 _They're only friends because they have to be_. Such words are common in tabloids that pick apart the little things, false evidence to reaffirm mistaken suppositions by eyes who see only what they wish to see. They don't know; none of them know.

"You're not as okay as you're trying to act," Hyunjin whispers, hugging him tightly. "What did your email say, Min? It wasn't just the file, wasn't it?"

"Love how you know," Seungmin says, forcing a laugh. "They want to film a music video with both of us. A sad ex-lovers concept."

Hyunjin cringes, and Seungmin laughs at how funny he looks. Hyunjin's expressive face is always so amusing, and it lifts his spirits even if just a tiny bit. "Wait, are _you_ playing the ex-lovers?"

"No idea. I think so."

"How progressive," Hyunjin remarks with his nose wrinkled. "And there's no way to get out of it?"

"When has my company ever let me get out of things?" Seungmin sighs, eyes closing as he recalls the email in his mind. "He's going to have to face me now."

☾

Hyunjin stands in between Seungmin and Jisung in the makeshift dressing room in the tent they erected not too far from their shooting site. It's not like Jisung is making any move to approach—Hyunjin wants to be there just in case. Just in case.

"Hyunjin, you're looking more and more like a guard dog the longer you stand there shooting lasers at Han," Jinyoung snorts, clearly holding back a laugh. "He's going to melt at this point."

"Good!" Hyunjin is quick to respond, eyes narrowing at Jisung who sits in his designated area across the room. "He better not fucking come here unless he wants a fist to the face. I'm ready. I really am."

"I don't doubt it," says Seungmin, reaching out to tug Hyunjin towards him and into the seat beside him. "I need him alive for the shoot, though."

Hyunjin pouts as he slumps in the chair, arms folded against his chest. He huffs, air blowing against his fringe as a deliberate show of his displeasure. Jinyoung pats him on the back with an amused smile, and Seungmin shakes his head at the destruction Hyunjin could cause once the shoot is over.

He glances over at the other side of the tent with a sigh.

Jisung is looking at him, staring so intently that Seungmin can only frown in response. This is the first interaction they've had in a long time, and he doesn't understand. What the fuck is that look supposed to mean?

Jisung avoids Seungmin like the plague, rejects any opportunity that would so much as put them in the same room together. Now this—a song they don't meet for until this very day, and he has that glint in his eyes that Seungmin _knows_ means he has so much he wants to say.

What the fuck.

His anger rises and his fingers curl into his palms, especially when Jisung makes no effort to look away. Seungmin has waited for this—for the moment Jisung will face him once again, look him in the eye after everything they've been through. He didn't realize the rage lying dormant in his heart, waiting to be ignited by a held gaze in a shoddy tent right before they have to film.

" _What?_ " Seungmin snaps. His voice travels easily in the silence, and Jisung flinches and immediately turns towards anything other than Seungmin's side of the tent. He fixates on his hands, and Seungmin swallows down his anger for the sake of professionalism. He can deal with Jisung later.

If Jisung doesn't run away immediately afterwards.

"Min, are you okay?" Hyunjin's own anger has dissipated, melting into worry at the sight of Seungmin breathing in deeply beside him. "I'm not _actually_ going to kill him. You know I won't. I just—he just makes me really mad, you know? He just…left you. It pisses me off."

"I know," Seungmin says, squeezing the hand Hyunjin places in his. "I'm feeling a lot of different things right now, honestly. There's anger, and there's also—you know, the—" Seungmin pauses, chewing on his bottom lip as he tries to identify what else it is that accompanies his wrath.

He looks up and Jinyoung catches his gaze, a knowing smile on his lips. Seungmin realizes then that he already knows what it is.

He just doesn't want to admit it.

☾

He should get an acting award. Really.

Seungmin smiles like he always does, greets the staff like he always does, acts as if Jisung didn't rip his heart out of his chest and leave without so much as an explanation. He smiles at Jisung despite the weight in his chest, despite the irrepressible urge to either cry his eyes out or kick Jisung in the shin.

The director knows nothing. The staff members know nothing. The only people privy to the history that plagues today's main characters are Jaebeom—Jisung's manager—Jinyoung, and Hyunjin, who watch carefully from a distance with wary gazes. In his peripheral, Seungmin can see Jinyoung and Jaebeom, engage in a seemingly serious conversation while Hyunjin continues to stare his way. He flashes a reassuring smile, and Hyunjin smiles back, albeit still evidently hesitant.

He's grateful for the moral and emotional support that Hyunjin offers him despite his own busy schedule. Seungmin swore he'd be okay, that this was a job he just had to do, but Hyunjin insisted that he be there, asking his own manager to clear his schedule so he could be there for Seungmin. He called Hyunjin overprotective as soon as his call with his manager finished, but he's thankful now that he's here. Seungmin might have already exploded if not for him.

The director leaves to finalize a couple more things before they can start shooting, leaving Seungmin and Jisung to themselves for the time being. Seungmin doesn't stop smiling as the director walks away, ignoring Jisung who he can feel is staring at him without even looking.

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow at him and tilts his head. Seungmin smiles more forcefully as Hyunjin turns his attention to Jisung. He looks ready to approach, but Jinyoung stops him before he could walk over.

"So, uh, I'm guessing Hyunjin wants to chop my head off." Jisung scratches the back of his neck. "Not that he didn't already want to before. I wouldn't hold it against him if he decided to murder me right now."

Seungmin looks over to Jisung beside him, nervously laughing as the awkwardness permeates the air. Jisung refuses to meet his eyes, instead staring at his feet, hands shoved in his pockets. Seungmin's throat feels dry.

"Don’t get me wrong, I do to," says Seungmin with as much of a smile as he can muster. "Want to chop your head off, I mean. But we have work to do, and I'm not about to cause trouble for the staff here on set. Surprised you even agreed to this considering how much you've been avoiding me after forgetting to actually break up with me."

Jisung licks his lips, looking off in the distance where Hyunjin is still staring. "Min, can we maybe—"

"No," Seungmin answers firmly, already knowing the question before Jisung has the opportunity to ask. "We're not going to talk. Not here, not now. I'm not doing this, Jisung. Let's just get this over with so we can go back to how things are."

"Seungmin, please," Jisung pleads, grabbing onto his arm, looking into his eyes with a desperation that startles Seungmin. It's baffling—the way he's gazing at him, the way his eyes glimmer with sincerity that Seungmin doesn't know whether to believe. "I know you don't owe me anything, and I know how much I hurt you, I just—"

"No," he repeats, smiling sweetly as he pulls Jisung's hand off him. It hurts. His hand burns where it meets Jisung's skin, a current running up his arm that punches him straight in the heart. "Absolutely not. We're here to work, and that's what we're going to do. That's _all_ we're going to do. I don't want to talk about anything else other than work."

Jisung falls silent as he retracts his hand, and the way he looks when he does makes Seungmin want to scream. He holds it in, takes a deep breath instead, uses every last bit of self-control he has to do anything but that.

"Understood," Jisung says, and Seungmin releases the breath he holds. "I'm sorry. Work only. Got it."

☾

He does his best, he really does. Seungmin tries to push down the acid rising up his throat as the shoot progresses. He works with Jisung, acts so well that no one could ever tell how much he didn't want to be there, and he pulls it off so seamlessly that their shoot goes faster than anticipated.

Everything would have been all fine and dandy if not for the looks Jisung gives him after the shoot. He sneaks glances at Seungmin, gazes at him the same exact way he does during their shoot—except they're no longer filming, and it's all very fucking real.

The thread snaps. Seungmin feels the fire burn yet again, an inferno setting his entire body ablaze. He gets up mid-conversation with Hyunjin, and marches over to Jisung who quickly averts his gaze.

It's too late. Seungmin grabs him and drags him out of the tent, grip tight as he stomps furiously away from any prying eyes. Jisung stammers his name, stutters excuses as he follows without much resistance.

"Honestly, fuck you," Seungmin begins once they've made it somewhere decently private. His face is flushed red, heart thumping rapidly against his chest. The overwhelming emotions he's pushed down down down as best he could come spilling out, unwelcome tears pooling in his eyes. "Stop looking at me like that!"

"Like _what_?"

"Like—like you're hurting! Like you still feel something, like you _mean_ the words in the song! You don't get to look at me like that after what you did, Jisung. It's—it's unfair, and it's cruel."

There it is again—in Jisung's eyes. Pain like his own, tears like his own. It's so unfair. Why? Why is he looking at him like that? Seungmin presses his lips together, willing his tears not to fall.

They fall anyway.

"I know that I'm the villain here. I know that I've been so unfair to you. I know I owe you a lot." Jisung's voice shakes, trembles in the way that it does when he's barely holding on. Seungmin knows it too well, has heard more times than he can count. He breathes in, lips quivering as he clings onto what little self-control he has left. "I know all of that. I won't deny it or try to defend myself—I hurt you. But do you really think it didn't— _doesn't_ hurt me too? I-I'm not heartless, Min."

Jisung's voice breaks, and so does Seungmin's heart, taking every single bit of resolve he thought he had along with it.

"You can't do this to me," Seungmin whispers, wiping on the tears streaming down his face. "I waited for you, Jisung. I waited months for a call that never came, stuck in my own head wondering why I wasn't good enough for even just an answer. You didn't even have the decency to tell me it was over—you just left me in limbo and moved on."

"I know, okay? I know that," Jisung says, wiping on his own tears with the back of his hand. Jisung looks so sad, so broken—so different from the Jisung that Seungmin remembers, the Jisung that Seungmin saw _that_ night. It doesn't make any sense. "I was scared, Min. Scared and frustrated and jealous and just—it was hard constantly being—"

Jisung trails off, looks over Seungmin's shoulder with a sad smile, more tears spilling from his eyes. Seungmin follows his gaze, sees Hyunjin watching with worry creasing his features. It's notable even from a distance.

Seungmin's jaw tightens. He knows where this is going, knows what Jisung wants to say. "Jisung, _no_ ," he says, eyebrows furrowed as he turns back to him. "No, you can't possibly—what the fu—"

"I was tired, Seungmin," Jisung admits, sniffling as he smiles at him. "It was hard constantly being second to Hyunjin. It was always him above everything. It didn't matter what you were doing or who you were with or how inconvenient it was, you would drop everything for him, and I love that about you. I do, but I was tired of competing in a war I'd never win."

"He's my best friend, Jisung." Seungmin's voice is low, quiet as he speaks. "I'd do anything for him because he's my best friend, but I love _you_. Why do you never believe me?"

"There are things that you're blind to that I can see clear as day. You would choose Hyunjin no matter what, and I needed to save myself from that heartbreak. I chose to hurt you, I did. I admit it, I wanted it to hurt for you, and for that, I'm truly sorry. It's not something I'm proud of. But we were going to end sooner or later, and I needed that last bit control so I hurt you."

"You're wrong," Seungmin scoffs, laughs at the absurdity of it all. "Are you kidding me? I love you, Jisung. You. Hyunjin is just my best friend, you know that!"

"You can't even admit it, can't even recognize how you really feel." Jisung bites on his bottom lip, gazes over at Hyunjin once more, who is still watching them. "You love me, but you've always been in love with Hyunjin. The sooner you accept that, the better it will be for all of us. You feel safe with me, Min. I bring you comfort and security, but nothing beyond that. Not the fire that I feel when I'm with you, the passion or the excitement."

"Since when were you a master of _my_ feelings?" Seungmin's fists are balled at his sides, knuckles turning white. "Last I checked, they're _my fucking feelings_."

"I've been in love with you for a long time, Seungmin." Jisung takes his hand in both of his, holding them to his heart. "I know what you look like when you're in love. There has always been something special about the way you looked at Hyunjin, and the moment I realized that he looked at you the same way, I knew we weren't going to last.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he continues, squeezing his hand as another tear falls. "I bear that guilt with me every day. I'm sorry I chose such a horrible way to end things. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you any of this before today. I'm sorry for a lot of things. But I'm not sorry for walking away. I'm not sorry for choosing me."

Jisung releases him and breathes out, flashing him a smile Seungmin never thought he would see again. They both wipe away their tears, immersed in the silence that follows them. Seungmin feels like his legs are going to give out, like his knees are going to buckle at any moment. Jisung's words echo in his mind, roll around in his head until words no longer make sense.

"Shit, are you—"

Jisung catches Seungmin before his knees hit the ground, holding him up as he sees Hyunjin quickly approaching with panic in his eyes. Jisung chuckles as he lets Seungmin lean on him, and Seungmin mutters to himself incomprehensibly as he stares blankly at head.

"I love you, Seungmin," Jisung whispers in his ear, sending shivers up and down his spine. "I want you happy. I hope everything makes sense for you soon."

"Han Jisung, I swear to God—"

"I'm innocent!" Jisung interrupts before Hyunjin could say more. He's out of breath as he checks on Seungmin, though not before sparing a glare at Jisung.

"What happened? Min, you okay?" Hyunjin asks, the concern clear on his face. "You can go, Han. I got him."

Jisung laughs, and Seungmin hates how sad and empty it sounds. "You always do," Jisung says to Hyunjin before turning to Seungmin. "I hope our MV comes out amazing, Seungmin. I'm sorry for everything."

"Jisung."

Jisung stops in his tracks, startled when Seungmin wraps his arms around him. He blinks, hesitant as he returns the embrace. "Thank you," Seungmin whispers. "Stop ignoring my calls, asshole."

"I will," Jisung responds. "I promise, I'll stop ignoring you."

They stay like that for another quiet moment before Seungmin finally lets go.

☾

**hyunie**  
› hey im thinking about u  
› i miss u  
› did i do something  
› im here ok?  
› love u :(

Seungmin puts his phone face-down on the table and sighs.

"Are you still not replying to him?" Jinyoung sets a cup of coffee in front of Seungmin.

Seungmin has been hiding out at Jinyoung's for the past week, immersing himself in work and excuses that he knows Hyunjin can see past. His conversation with Jisung plagues him, haunts his thoughts on every idle second his brain allows. So he works—occupies his time with anything and everything to create little opportunity for drifting thoughts he isn't ready to dwell on.

"I replied last night." Seungmin warms his fingers on the steaming mug.

"You sent a thumbs up emoji when he asked you to give him a sign that you're at least alive. That hardly counts."

"It's a reply."

Jinyoung sighs and shakes his head. "I didn't think being your manager meant being your therapist and hideout as well."

"Do you want me to start listing out all the times you've used _my_ place as a hideout? Like the time you were avoiding Ja—"

"Okay, yeah, got it!" Jinyoung interrupts loudly, making a face at him as Seungmin smiles smugly. "Will you at least tell me why you're being weird? What the fuck did Han Jisung do to you this time?"

Seungmin's smile slowly disappears, face growing sullen as he thinks back to their conversation at the shoot. Seungmin never would have expected that gaining closure from Jisung would open up a whole can of worms that he would much rather keep locked tight and hidden away where it stays inaccessible and out of reach. Jinyoung sits beside him with his own cup of coffee, watching him, waiting.

"So here's the—I kind of—Jisung said—" Seungmin sighs audibly as he pushes his coffee toward the middle of the table. It shouldn't be _this_ difficult to talk about it, right? It's not like he's confronting Hyunjin; he's just with a friend who's willing to listen to him process his thoughts out loud if he so chooses to. "Jisung told me his reasons for everything."

"Yeah, I gathered that. And?"

Seungmin huffs loudly with a roll of his eyes. "Jisung seems to think that I'm in love with Hyunjin and that Hyunjin is in love with me. Isn't that crazy? He said that it was only a matter of time before I left him for Hyunjin and just—it's ridiculous! I love Jisung, I've always loved Jisung, you know? Hyunjin is my best friend." Seungmin starts laughing, but it dies when Jinyoung just stares at him with a raised eyebrow.

" _What_?" Seungmin wants to pull his hair out. Or scream. Or both. Maybe both would work. After he finishes the coffee.

"I mean…" Jinyoung's tone rises at the end, and Seungmin has to stop himself from yelling right at that moment. "Okay, do you _want_ to hear my thoughts or is this one of those times where you just want to get things out and all I need to do is listen?"

He muses on it, thinks about what exactly he would need to get his shit together and make sense of all the emotions running rampant in his heart. It's all confusing, especially when things both make sense and don't. His understanding is paradoxical at best.

"I don't know," Seungmin admits. "I don't know, I—Okay, talk to me. Say things. I just—yeah, hyung, tell me what you think. Lay it on me. Whatever."

Jinyoung stares at him, lets silence pass for a breath and a half before finally speaking. "Honestly, I think you already know. You're Kim Seungmin—smarter than most people, very self-aware. You also live very deep in denial despite already knowing things because it's easier for you to ignore and pretend than confront risk and fear."

Seungmin releases a shaky breath as he leans against his seat, coffee growing cold as he stares at the half-empty cup. Of course. Of course Jinyoung would say something like that. Of course Jinyoung would know him so well that he could pick him apart so accurately and force him to confront truth he oft pushes aside.

"Well fuck me in the ass, I guess," Seungmin groans, head falling against the table with a loud thud. Jinyoung reaches over and pats him on the back with ineffective soothing words that just sound like noise to him. "I hate this. Why the fuck—God, I spent all this time hating Jisung, but _I'm_ the asshole. _I'm_ the real villain. God, why do I do this to myself? Was I really that mean to him? Did I really neglect him that much?"

"Don't beat yourself up too much over it, Min," Jinyoung says as he rubs circles on his back. "Feelings are difficult, you know? I get it. I've been there. Feelings are risky and they're always too fucking scary that you'd rather push it down and avoid it instead of having to face it."

Seungmin straightens himself, thoughts wandering as Jisung's voice echoes in his mind.

"Fuck me," Seungmin groans again, burying his face in his hands. "I can't—I can't do this, hyung. I can't risk—I can't do this. Hyunjin can never know, hyung. I'm—I'm going to bury it and ignore it and just get over it. It's never going to happen. Never. I'm not going to—no, I refuse.

"It's so much more complicated than just Hyunjin or Jisung. I'm so angry that I don't know what to do. Everything is starting to make sense but… God, I can't do this. I can't. Hyunjin can't know any of this, hyung. Not right now, not ever. It's too complicated and I don't want him to—I just—I'll deal with it myself." 

They fall quiet as Seungmin agonizes over his newfound revelations, repeating his conversation with Jisung over and over and over again. The more he thinks about it, the more everything starts clicking into place, filling in the lapses of uncertainty until he finally reaches some sense clarity.

"Min, I have something to confess…" Jinyoung interrupts his train of thought.

He doesn't have to say more, because as soon as he lifts his gaze, he sees Jinyoung's phone screen.

_Ongoing call with Hwang Hyunjin._

Well then. Fuck.

☾

"Jisung, you were right. I'm so sorry. I'm in love with Hyunjin."

"Good for you and all, but it's three in the morning." Jisung yawns over the phone, and Seungmin can imagine him with his eyes still closed in bed. "Can we talk—"

"But that doesn't mean I'm not with you," Seungmin says, tucked in bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling. "Isn't love a choice in the end? I have a choice in this, a choice that you took from me. Jisung, I want to choose you."

"Min…"

"Just think about it, please. Sleep on it. Give it time. I'll wait, just—just please give me an answer this time. That's all I ask."


	2. love me or leave me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thinks this over, muses on whether work or a break is the more appropriate course of action given his current state. He expels a sigh and nods slowly. "Hyung, clear my schedule. I need to do something tonight."
> 
> "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"
> 
> Jisung huffs a mirthless laugh as he shrugs. "Depends on what you consider stupid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two finally out! it's almost 4am and i wanted to finish this tonight so i can focus on grad school stuff tomorrow lmao
> 
> please spare kudos and comments <3

The stars are bright as they dot the sky, peeking behind translucent clouds dimmed only by the imposing full moon. It's a beautiful sight, a juxtaposition to the storm brewing within his chest. His robe sways along with the breeze, soft brushes against his skin reminding keeping him grounded as his thoughts wander.

He sighs, seating himself on the lounge chair on his balcony with an unlit cigarette between his fingers. He hasn't smoked in months, but the urge resurfaces the more his head fills with what ifs and maybes. He considers it, twirling it idly as he debates retrieving his lighter from the bathroom.

"Hand it over."

Jisung looks up, smiles as Chan deadpans at him with his palm outstretched toward him. He's reluctant, but he hands it over anyway. It's for his own good, he knows. He needs to find something else to help him think, preferably one that won't eventually kill him at the end of the day.

Chan keeps holding his hand out, waiting for Jisung to add the rest of his stash. He should have known better than to expect anything less from Chan, who knows him too well for his own good. He sighs, resigns to pulling the carton from under the seat and handing it over like instructed. Only then does Chan smile and take the empty seat beside him.

"Is it Seungmin?" Chan asks, tossing the carton on the ground and crushing it with the heel of his foot. Jisung's heart aches for the wasted poison, almost as much as it aches for Seungmin's words that echo in his thoughts.

"How did you know?" Jisung watches as Chan tosses the crushed pack into the trash. It's smart, he admits. He wouldn't put it past himself to rummage for it once Chan leaves, especially right now when his stress peaks and is begging for calm. It's unsalvageable now, and he supposes it's for the best.

"You only ever need a smoke when you think about Seungmin," Chan points out with a much kinder smile. Jisung sighs, chews on his bottom lip as he gazes back out toward the horizon. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jisung laughs softly, finding the situation both funny and sad. He likes Chan, he really does. They wouldn't have been able to maintain this arrangement if he didn't hold any fondness for him. Still, he's not Seungmin—Jisung knows it, and Chan knows it.

"Don't give me that look," Chan scolds. "We're friends above anything else. I know what we are. You can talk to me, really. I'd prefer you talk to me rather than turn to your vices."

Another sigh escapes his lips as his eyes close, throwing his head back until it hits backrest. What does he even talk about? Where does he begin? Nothing makes sense to him, and everything is just an unending whirlpool of bemusement. He takes in another breath, opens his eyes and turns to Chan who is waiting for him to speak.

"I'm not sure what to think or say," he admits with a disgruntled laugh, fingers brushing against the plush fabric of his robe. "Seungmin and I talked on set. I told him everything, and he was in disbelief. He denied it like I expected him to, but then he called me. Just now, he called me to say I was right."

"And that stressed you out?"

"No, it's not that." Jisung looks off in the distance, traces the city skyline with his eyes as he recalls the conversation in his mind yet again. "He told me he loves Hyunjin, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He said he wants to choose me."

Chan stares at him with his eyebrows furrowed. "This sounds like great news. Why do you look like someone died?"

"It just—It doesn't make any sense! Why would he choose me when Hyunjin is clearly in love with him too? They're a match made in heaven, hyung. There's no getting in between them. Why on earth would he—why would—it doesn't make sense! Hyunjin is the right choice here."

The silence that follows is unwelcome, and Jisung shifts uncomfortably in his seat and looks away from the weight of Chan's gaze. There's so much in his eyes that Jisung doesn't yet know how to decipher, and his head is too fuzzy to even try.

"Jisung," Chan finally says. When Jisung looks up, his chest constricts at the sight of his smile. "Tell me something."

"Yeah?"

"How can you be so sure that you're the wrong choice?"

Jisung frowns deeply. "It's obvious? If you see them together, you would know. They're soulmates, hyung. No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be Hyunjin. I'm never going to be perfect for Seungmin."

"Why would you want to be Hyunjin, though? You're Jisung. Seungmin loves _you_. He chooses _you_. Have you ever stopped to really think about this? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your fixation on Seungmin and Hyunjin instead of you and Seungmin is what led to the breakdown of your relationship in the first place?"

Jisung blinks, astounded by the questions Chan poses. His lips part as he searches for what to say, as he lets Chan's words roll around in his head until a light ignites and recognition screams at his heart.

"No," he mutters to himself. "No, this—I'm _such_ an idiot. Oh my God."

Chan hums. "At least you're self-aware."

☾

Focusing on work proves to be more exhausting than he anticipated. At first, he thought it would help him think about anything other than Seungmin. This, he realizes, is an absolutely ridiculous thought when his work _involves_ Seungmin.

They're still working on their collaboration.

Granted, they work at a distance, with most of their conversations mediated by their managers. That makes things just a tiny bit easier. Still, when mentions of Seungmin is necessary for his job, it makes the whole thing just as concerning as it was the night he called.

"You're going to get your ass handed to you by the director if you keep this up," Jaebeom mutters under his breath. "I don't know what happened, but you need to get it together. At the very least when you're working."

"Sorry, I just—" Jisung cuts himself off before he finds himself rambling. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'll focus."

Jaebeom sighs once everyone else leaves the room. "What is going on with you, Jisung? You've been acting weird for the past couple of days, and I didn't want to ask before you were ready, but it's affecting your work."

"Stuff with Seungmin came up," he says truthfully. The way Jaebeom's eyebrows shoot up makes it seem like this isn't entirely unheard of. "From the way you're looking at me, I'm guessing Jinyoung hyung said something."

"Nothing about _you_ and Seungmin, though I suppose it might be related at this point. The timing _does_ coincide with when you began acting strange."

This catches Jisung's attention. Did something else happen? As if he wasn't worried enough already. "Do you—Can you tell me?"

"I'm not privy to the details—Jinyoung is annoying about those things—but he said he did something he shouldn't have, now Seungmin is angry with him and he hasn't spoken to neither him nor Hyunjin since."

Jisung blinks, genuinely baffled by what he's told. But soon enough, his mind takes control and he begins to wonder—had he spoken to Jisung before or after something happened? Did he only say what he said because he was angry with Hyunjin? Deep down, he knows Seungmin wouldn't do something haphazardly, and that a confession as serious as his took an incredible amount of consideration and musing.

Seungmin is a meticulous person by nature, one who takes everything into careful consideration before making any sort of decision. Still, everyone is susceptible to human error—especially when emotions are high. So he wouldn't exactly be surprised if the phone call at three in the morning ended up being a product of an impetuous mind and a hectic heart.

Not that it’s significant at this point. True reason and motive matters little when the damage has already been done, when he had already opened himself up to the introspection about faults he never saw until now. Whatever it is that prompted Seungmin to call him is moot, will do nothing to ease the turmoil that has brewed in both his heart and mind.

There's too much to unpack, too much to think about and make sense out of now that he's been made aware of his own biases, of his own possibly misguided perspective born out of a jealousy-prompted focus on Hyunjin. They do say ignorance is bliss, and he understands that now more than ever. Before that night, he was certain he had done the right thing for both him and Seungmin.

Now, he isn't so sure.

Curse Chan and his ability to get Jisung to think. He would have been fine being painfully unaware, but pandora's box has been opened and there's no turning back. All the questions and doubts flood, imposing and overwhelming as they cling to every idle second of his days.

"Jisung?" Jaebeom says, tapping his shoulder to get his attention. "Jisung, you look incredibly grim. I really think you should just take the rest of the day off. Do you want me to clear your schedule?"

He thinks this over, muses on whether work or a break is the more appropriate course of action given his current state. He expels a sigh and nods slowly. "Hyung, clear my schedule. I need to do something tonight."

"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

Jisung huffs a mirthless laugh as he shrugs. "Depends on what you consider stupid."

Jaebeom is concerned—it's etched deeply across his face—and he is rightfully so. Jisung knows he sounds ominous, knows that Jaebeom will worry the longer he remains vague. On any normal occasion, he would tell him. He has been Jisung's manager for years, and he sees him as an older brother. But Jaebeom's loyalties will always lie with Jinyoung, who will undoubtedly relay the information to Seungmin, and Jisung doesn't want him to know.

Not now, at least. Not while his mind is a haze of questions unanswered, not while his heart aches over the idea that he may have unreasonably destroyed a relationship over nothing.

"Oh God, Han Jisung," Jaebeom breathes out, eyebrows knitted together as they hold each other's gaze. "What in the world are you about to do? Don't do anything stupid."

"Don't worry," he says. "I just need to talk to somebody. I won't get into trouble or anything. I think."

"That's not very reassuring."

"I'll do my best."

They leave it with that and a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

☾

He considers consulting with Chan, considers asking him about whether this decision of his is the right way to go about things. He decides against it almost immediately, not wanting to interrupt Chan's day with more of his problems. Chan is kind and always willing to listen, but it's a kindness he refuses to take advantage of, especially when he's done little for Chan in return.

Rebounding was never something he intended—the opportunity presented itself and he took it, a respite from the overwhelming sadness that overtook his every waking moment at the time. He and Seungmin were on a break, one that he knew was temporary reprieve from their impending end. Immature Jisung took the opportunity, held it in his hands and ran with it, choosing to ignore the people he would hurt in the process.

Carrying that guilt is a burden he will live with, one that he would undoubtedly hold close to his heart as a lesson about his own juvenile behavior, a reminder for the mistakes he is never to make again.

He craves a cigarette, feels around his desk in the off chance that he's hidden a spare pack. He sighs when he retrieves nothing but a pen, and he twirls that between his fingers in place of the poison he prefers.

The nerves build, slowly at first then all at one. He sets the pen down as he collapses on his recliner, finding little comfort in the softness of its cushions when he isn't sure what tonight's outcome is going to be. His phone feels uncharacteristically heavy in his hand, the contact pulled up and ready for him. The photo he used is much too bright considering the state of their relationship.

"Here goes nothing," he mutters under his breath.

He makes the tap, presses his phone to his ear, and waits. He flinches at the ringback tone, a series of expletives he's sure is specifically assigned to him. He doesn't really mind—it's deserved, after all.

 _Click_.

"Well, well, the asshole finally calls. I hope you liked the personalized gift!"

Jisung sighs heavily, licking dried lips as he shifts in his seat. "Good evening to you to, Hyunjin."

"What the fuck do you want, Han?"

He can't say he's surprised by the animosity. After a curse-filled ringback tone, the hostility is practically guaranteed. Still, he clings to the small hope that Hyunjin is willing to talk—he answered, after all. If he took the time to personalize his tone for Jisung, he must have expected him to call, right?

"I was wondering if you're free to talk," he begins, ignoring the sweat beading on his forehead. "I need to talk about Seungmin, and I'm really desperate."

"Clearly," Hyunjin scoffs. "Whatever. Yeah, I can meet up. Anything for Seungmin. Text me the address."

The line goes dead before he could say more.

In full honesty, Jisung wasn't expecting it to be this easy. He expected more swearing, more threats. He expected Hyunjin to need more convincing, or for Jisung to have to plead his case. He sits in stunned silence with his phone still heavy in his hand, staring at the grinning picture of Hyunjin that seems like such a distant memory.

He shudders when his phone buzzes.

 **jinnie**  
› hurry up with the address  
› let's get whatever it is over with

Jisung sighs and sends the address to an inconspicuous bar they already both know. It's the only place he can think of other than his apartment that could grant them the privacy of speaking without worrying about being seen. It's a place that means something to them—to Hyunjin, Seungmin, and himself. It's a bar they frequented when things were good, a bar that held memories of the three of them bothering the bartender who just so happens to be a close friend.

"You're lucky I love you," greets Felix as soon as he walks in. "Give a guy a call sometimes. I miss my best friend."

Jisung swallows the lump in his throat. His evasion of his own best friend is a sin on its own, yet another guilt he holds in his heart. He isn't proud of what he's done, of who he's become over the last couple of months, and to distance himself from Felix is the only thing he could think of to save their friendship.

He understands now, of course, that it's just yet another thing his immaturity has decided on its own. He can't help but grimace as he thinks of all that he's done and failed to do.

Felix must have been sad—Jisung knows he would be if roles were reversed.

"Hey, Lix," he finally greets back, walking over and scooping him into his arms tightly. He tries to pour his heart into the hug, to show him the remorse he feels with the gesture. "Sorry, I've been… well, not good. You're too good to be associated with me right now."

Felix arches an eyebrow as he pulls away, watching Jisung's face closely before smiling. If Felix held a grudge, it doesn't show on his face. Knowing him though, it's likely there never was any to begin with. "I'll be here when you're ready to talk to me about things, okay? I have your back, Han Jisung."

There's something reassuring about Felix's smile, a warmth that imprints against the chill of that's overtaken his body. They call him sunshine, and it's comforting to know that some things never change.

"Come on," says Felix, tugging him towards the bar. "Let me fix you a drink before Hyunjin gets here. It looks like you're going to need it. It'll be on me."

Sunshine indeed.

☾

Jisung has no idea what Felix put in that drink, but his nerves calm down so much that he managed a smile toward Hyunjin when he showed up. Hyunjin is understandably suspicious, but he smiles brightly as soon as he see Felix and starts peppering his face with kisses. Felix giggles at the affection before handing him a drink, which Hyunjin takes over to the corner where Jisung has been watching from.

He says nothing as he gets into the booth and seats himself, leg crossed over the other as he sips on his drink. There's a brief moment of surprise, which Jisung assumes is because of the taste, but he forces himself into a deadpan as soon as he realizes it.

"So," he says, glaring at Jisung. "What do you want to talk about?"

Jisung licks his lips and looks over at Felix tending the bar. Their eyes meet, and without another word, Felix begins making him another drink. It's at this moment that yet another realization forces its way to the front of his mind, one that undeniably reaffirms the idea that he'd been stuck in his own mind all this time.

He would do anything for Felix.

In the same respect that Seungmin would for Hyunjin.

"Oh motherfucker!" The curse flies out of his mouth much louder than he intends, and it startles Hyunjin enough for worry to flicker across his features. "Fucking shit, stupid asshole, what the motherfucking bullshit, Han Jisung!"

Hyunjin blinks at him, clearly puzzled by the sudden outburst. "Are you—"

"Jesus Christ!" Jisung cuts him off. "I'm going to need you to punch me in the face. Like right now. Seriously. Do it."

Hyunjin blinks at him again, eyebrows woven together as his mouth hangs slightly ajar. He looks like he's unsure of how to proceed, unsure of what to say to something like that. It comes as unexpected, no doubt, and Hyunjin is responding as he should.

"I—Well, it doesn't feel right to now that you're asking me to," he says, voice trailing off towards the end. "I'm so confused. What the fuck just happened?"

Jisung is openly groaning, clutching at his hair, still muttering expletives to himself as he allows everything to sink in. Hyunjin is just staring at him, most likely concerned that Jisung has finally lost his mind and gone insane. He looks over at Felix, who looks equally concerned, and they share a meaningful gaze before Hyunjin turns back to Jisung.

"Everything is so complicated, Jinnie." The nickname rolls off his tongue before he can control himself, and he readies himself to use the alcohol excuse, but Hyunjin says nothing of it. So he continues.

He starts from the very beginning, though not before Felix brings over drinks for them both. Jisung invites him to join them, encourages it even. If he's going to recount his own stupidity, he might as well do it in front of them both. Who better to judge his sins than two people he deeply respects?

The two of them say nothing as Jisung says his piece, narrates the great inanity that is Han Jisung. From his jealousy to the rebound, from the confrontation at the set to the phone call, from Chan opening pandora's box to the realization he had just now after the unspoken conversation with Felix. He says it all, bares himself to Hyunjin and Felix as they continue to stare at him quietly.

Jisung feels his head spinning, though its cause is arguable. Is it the alcohol? Is it a byproduct of his head working overtime to make sense of everything that has happened? It's most likely due to both. He groans yet again, burying his head in his hands, the silence too deafening.

"Jisung."

He looks up, startled by the softness in Hyunjin's voice. He's look at Jisung so warmly that he doubts for a moment whether it's genuinely directed at him. But Hyunjin is looking into his eyes so fondly for the first time in a very long time, a hand resting on his tenderly, saying his name without any acid or malice.

"Jisung," Hyunjin repeats. Jisung whimpers and pouts. "All I've ever wanted was for you and Seungmin to be happy. You never saw what he was like whenever it was just us. You never saw the way he talked about you and how he would always hurry back to you as soon as he possibly could. Honestly, if I had told him it was okay, I'm sure he would have brought you along too."

"He should be with you," Jisung says, hoping that Hyunjin feels his sincere heart. "He loves you, Jin, and I know that you love him too. You always have. You should be with him."

Hyunjin shakes his head, grips onto his hand tighter. "No, Jisung. He's choosing you. He said so himself, didn't he? He chooses you, and I know you want him back. I'm not in this picture, Ji. This isn't my story—it's _yours_. You lost him once, don't make the mistake of letting him go again. He wants you."

"It just doesn't make sense."

"It does. Trust me, it does."

Jisung falls silent as the dust settles. His mind is still cloudy, still filled with questions and doubts and the guilt that eats him alive every single day. The affection Hyunjin offers him makes him emotional, and before he even knows it, tears have sprung to his eyes. He squeezes Hyunjin's hand, willing his tears not to fall.

"Hyunjin, I feel so horrible," he whispers. "I don't deserve this second chance with him. It has to be you. Seriously. I hurt him so much _on purpose_ , and all because I was so in my own head that I couldn't see the truth. I was so insanely jealous and stupid and immature that I swore that I was right. I can't—It shouldn't be me."

"But it is," Hyunjin offers him an empathetic smile. "It's you. He chose you. You have to remember that."

☾

Jisung lies awake in the dead of night, moonlight peeking between the gaps in the curtains. The alcohol has left his system, the fog giving way to some sense of clarity about the situation at hand. He can't say he feels all that better, especially when he recalls all Hyunjin had to say about the relationship between Jisung and Seungmin.

He is an asshole, one who deserves to be alone and suffer for his mistakes.

Yet here he is, presented with an opportunity to atone for his misdeeds, a chance to redeem himself and do things right the second time around. Seungmin hands it to him, lays it out bare and ready for him to take, but Jisung's conscience keeps him from already doing so.

Hyunjin's smile is imprinted in his mind, sweet and encouraging and… sad. It couldn't have just been Jisung who noticed, right? Surely, Felix saw the hints of pain in the specks of color in Hyunjin's eyes too. Jisung doesn't understand any of it, and it keeps him wide awake trying to discern it.

It doesn't feel right, and he isn't quite certain about what he is to do next.

Hyunjin encouraged him to call Seungmin, to tell him he wants to try again and make up for both the pain and lost time between them. He even offered to dial for him, to hold his hand as he makes the call if so needed. Jisung told him no, told him that Seungmin deserves more than an inebriated confession-slash-apology.

Felix suggested to wait—to think about all the information in sobriety so that he doesn't do anything with a muddled mind and an addled heart. He said to go home and sleep, to give himself time to process everything on his own time and make a decision then.

So that's what he decided to do, minus the sleep.

His thoughts were running wild, rest seeming increasingly impossible the longer he lies in his bed. Jisung decides to get up, to walk around and sing along to their duet in the hopes that it would either tire him enough to fall asleep or distract him enough for clear thought to finally take over the haze.

He isn't sure how long he paces around his room, how many times the song repeats before it finally happens. The epiphany. The so-called lightbulb moment.

It ignites, a small spark enough to create an inferno in his heart that leads him to the truth that's been concealing itself all this time. As soon as the fire starts, the confusion melts away, and everything makes sense. All the questions, all the doubts—incinerated by his newfound acknowledgment.

He knows now.

☾

"Hey Seungmin, we need to talk."

Seungmin yawns on the other line, clearly having been woken up from his sleep. "Is this payback for calling you at three in the morning?"

"Not really, but if the shoe fits." Jisung laughs, and Seungmin laughs along with him. "I met up with Hyunjin."

He hears shuffling, probably the sound of Seungmin sitting up in bed. " _What?_ "

"It's a long story, and I can tell you from the start, but I can't do it over the phone. Are you at all free today?"

It's silent for a beat and a half, before finally, Seungmin says, "I'll have Jinyoung hyung clear my schedule."

**Author's Note:**

> — [twitter](https://twitter.com/minbinjins)  
> — [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/minbinjins)


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